And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
