I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
