When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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