So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I did not marry a roomba.
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