i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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