I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
