your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
