Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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