Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
