at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize