just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
