what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
