what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
sarcasm needs its own font
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize