I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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