I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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