She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
