I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
