Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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