apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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