That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
