i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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