Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
