Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
