Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize