my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
