Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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