if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
