I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
