I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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