She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You are a genius and a whore.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
