Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
