Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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