I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
