and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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