id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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