how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
