Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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