Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And then my night got REAL pukey
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
