I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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