a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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