Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
