He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
