just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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