WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
