dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
