Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
