We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
