the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
