Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
