I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize