Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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