So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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