How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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