It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
