I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You've changed since you got that strap on
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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