my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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