I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
