Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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