I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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