So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
