Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
