If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize