the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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