I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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