Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
