You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
