Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
