Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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