I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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