I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
