My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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